In late 1989, United States navy forces invaded the Central American nation of Panama, in an try to oust former CIA asset-turned-narcodictator Manuel Noriega from energy. Fearing seize, Noriega sought sanctuary within the Vatican’s apostolic nunciature, the place U.S. Special Forces bombarded him with a(n admittedly fairly good!) playlist of American rock and roll requirements, performed at most quantity, day and night time, to flush him from his diplomatically untouchable asylum — which is what finally occurred, 10 days later.
I point out all this as a result of up until now, that individual episode within the U.S.’s lengthy and ignominious historical past of catastrophic international meddling has been held because the gold normal of musical torture. Effectively, not anymore. Not after as we speak. Not after the aural assault that’s “Candy Florida”, a just-released ode to Republican Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis. And if these phrases alone aren’t sufficient curdle your milk, properly, simply give it a pay attention:
You may inform that is gonna be one thing particular when proper off the bat, one of many Van Zant brothers (Donnie? Johnny? Not the one from Lynyrd Skynyrd, in any case) asks DeSantis if he “likes listening to it loud” and the governor, who clearly doesn’t, can solely stammer “yeah, nevertheless you need, yeah yeah yeah.” Of us, we’ve received an actual rock and/or roll appreciator right here!
It’s all downhill from there, I’m afraid. Not that the music’s lyrics are all that surprising; largely it’s only a generic rehash of the fundamental “we love freedom, we hate Brandon, boohoo Dr. Fauci is so imply!” shibboleths that move for conservative ideology lately. What is stunning, although, is how lazy the entire thing feels, because it lists out and in of any form of coherent rhyme scheme to brag about issues like not having vaccine mandates or COVID lockdowns which … go searching, my dudes! Nobody has that shit anymore. Republicans gained! Coronavirus gained! What are you even speaking about?? And, additionally, in case you’re singing a couple of state that’s been the location of two of essentially the most horrific situations of gun violence in American historical past, possibly suppose twice earlier than you drop “he’s shootin’ us straight” in your refrain, yeah?
Right here’s a pattern lyric, set to absolutely the laziest, buttrock melody you’ve heard since 1982:
Effectively we ain’t been locked down // we nonetheless have our freedom
We will nonetheless see our family and friends.
Oh our children are in class // and we are able to go to church on Sunday
And it’s all as a result of DeSantis is aware of the best way to lead.
Whereas it’s true that DeSantis does embody the longstanding rock n’ roll advantage of “hating college,” it’s onerous to think about anybody on Earth who rocks lower than Ron in just about all different regards. {That a} gay-hating, cop-loving, participation trophy hander-outer can be lionized with electrical guitars is anathema to a style born of salacious insurrection and the championing of underdogs in opposition to a conservative establishment.
Which brings me again to Noriega. Maybe “Candy Florida” is definitely a psyop to make one thing so terrible, so unlistenable, that enjoying it’s going to drive DeSantis out of Florida as soon as and for all. If that’s the case, Van Zant, I salute you. If this actually is what it claims to be, nevertheless, then rock is really useless, and that is what they’re enjoying within the ready room for hell.
